She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.