Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.