“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.