Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
termite twitter scares me
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Saw online –
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind