Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.