I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Does your wife know you’re single?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
some things should go without saying
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?