Message from the dog groomers
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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?