I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
notice
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”