“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say