Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Not today.. 😂
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.