Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Mornin
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”