Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”