Are you ok, human???
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
this is what they would have looked like, though
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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