Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Who chose this font
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.