No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
3% human
97% stress
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.