[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Am I having a stroke?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
There is wisdom there.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.