Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.