People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.