me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
A man of commitment.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.