So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Every house has this drawer
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business