Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A classic…
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it