if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.