Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
An odd boast
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably