At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
You Might Also Like
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Oh deer
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror