You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.