Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I am never leaving this website
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I have a type: disappointing
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party