[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The old gods are rising again.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
How to draw a duck
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older