People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Saturday