HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.