my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You Might Also Like
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Well, shit
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The options really are this bad
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now