“Wait, let me explain..”
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Some people were born into their job.