for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Meow
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.