Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m about to risk it all
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.