getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
waiting for halloween be like:
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.