my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement