My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
new shirt idea
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?