I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.