You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.