Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.