What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I just love that new Pope smell.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
🤣🤣🤣
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me