[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time