*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
You Might Also Like
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
crazy
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels