When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Welcome to the stomach
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
incredible
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.