Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
do what now??
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing