I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
That 👊
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*