i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.