ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”