Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one