Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.