I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
.. do you even science?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
So the ex texted me